


In Too Deep

by mattusuck



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Also everyone is gay, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Drugs, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sensory overload happens a lot, Suicide Attempt, connor is a huge stoner, connor might be ooc?? im so sorry, dear evan hansen - Freeform, evan overthinks everything, i wrote this instead of doing homework too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-01-30 22:23:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12662637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattusuck/pseuds/mattusuck
Summary: Connor couldn’t help but give out a sympathetic laugh as Jared- Asshole Jared from his third period class- stood in front of him, arms crossed as he stared up at the taller boy, waiting for his response. It was funny - He almost forgot he was being blackmailed.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wow uh i never thought id be able to be comfortable enough to post something but here i am!  
> this is my first work here and im a little nervous that i'll get hate for this but i'm confident you'll guys like it!  
> dont be afraid to give me feedback, kudos, and/or comments!!!  
> hope u all enjoy!  
> also im so sorry for the terrible formatting im a baby to ao3 and im trying to get the hang of it  
> @corinnecassiopeia thank u for being my beta!!

Connor couldn’t help but give out a sympathetic laugh as Jared- Asshole Jared from his third period class- stood in front of him, arms crossed as he stared up at the taller boy, waiting for his response. It was almost funny; He half forgot he was being blackmailed.

“And if I don’t comply, what are you going to do with those pictures?” Connor asked him, waiting for Asshole Jared to back out. After all, what could Jared really do?

“I already told you, Con, I’m going to leak these anonymously if you don’t go through with it. I don’t have anything to lose. Plus, from this deal, we can both benefit from it. Evan’ll be off of my hands and all yours. My parents are going to pay for my car insurance and you’ll finally have a friend. Just go through with it,” Jared chuckled. Connor rolled his eyes in response. Was this fucker really asking him to take out Evan? He didn’t even recognize the name Evan until Jared told him who he was. The pictures weren’t anything out of the ordinary- just him buying and selling drugs. Most people already knew he was a druggie, so what did he have to lose?

“Yeah, no. I’m not going to go out with him just for your stupid car insurance shit. Next time, talk to someone who actually has something to lose, dumbass.” Connor slung his backpack over his shoulder and turned away. Before he was able to stalk off to get away from Asshole Jared, he caught glimpse of Evan- the blue polo kid, Conner thought. Connor could almost feel his shaking. He couldn’t help but feel a tinge of guilt. As much as Connor didn’t want to give a shit, he still hated to see the poor kid alone the way he was.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” he hissed, turning back to his blackmailer. Jared smirked and reached out to shake Connor’s hand to make it official. “I’m just going to say if Evan doesn’t accept my attempts, the deal is over. I’m not going to keep wasting my time with this stupid deal. Now, fuck off.”

Jared shrugged as he stalked off, watching him head over to Evan. He smirked to himself and adjusted his glasses, waiting for the scene to play out.  
Connor cursed to himself and he stepped behind Evan, clearing his throat. He waited until Evan turned around, before saying, “Hey.”

Evan jumped as soon as he spoke and he noticed his hands starting to tremble. “Are you- are you talk-talking to me?” He squeaked, head lowered, avoiding eye contact. He knew that the taller was Connor Murphy, who Jared told him disturbing rumors about. Evan had just went with them and agreed to stay away from Connor.

“Who else would I be talking to?” Connor offered in a softer tone, rather than his normal, harsh voice. The kid was already scared and Connor was fully aware of the reputation he held. He forced himself to smile as he waited for Evan to respond, hoping they’d be able to strike up a conversation, and hoping the smile didn't look too fake.

“Oh- uh- yeah, that's right. Uh, I gotta get to- get to class, bye?” Evan's speaking picked up pace as he talked and simultaneously tried to scurry off to his next class. Connor sighed and let him run off. In that moment, he considered finding Asshole Jared again and punching him square in the face. He wasn't stupid- he figured Jared set him up. But Connor didn't care enough. He told himself to try again later as he headed to his next class.

Later in his last period, he blatantly ignored his work and thought back to Evan. He looked terrified... and admittedly Connor knew he was, everyone was scared of him, but he couldn't help but feel a bit hurt.   
He was used to being unsurprised at everyone's iminent fear, but with Evan, he felt himself somewhat upset. Connor, who didn't have any friends, had made an attempt to talk to Evan, who also didn’t have any friends. But thanks to Asshole Jared (there was no doubt it was Jared who made him to fear him), it hadn’t worked. Once again, Connor considered beating the shit out of Jared for that, but he didn’t want to waste his time. Maybe he could just back out, like he said he would.

Before he knew it, the final bell rang and he was trying to leave the goddamned school, but Asshole Jared stepped in front of him and snickered. “I saw what happened earlier, and I think it’s fucking hilarious. He’s so scared of you, Con, and I think it's so funny. Nice try, though,” he offered, but Connor could hear the cockiness in Jared's voice, which pissed him off to no end.

“Yeah, shut up. I'm gonna give him only one more fucking try and if this doesn’t work out, I’m not going to waste my fucking time with you or your stupid deal. Got it, Kleinman?” Connor spat out, leaning in close to Jared’s face.

“Fine, man. Calm the fuck down before you kill me.” he muttered, backing away, cheeks reddening from embarrassment.  
Connor watched him leave the campus. Before he could leave himself, he saw Evan again. He gritted his teeth and followed him outside, clearing his throat before speaking to him again.

“Do you need a ride?”   
Evan jumped and turned to face Connor, still refusing to make eye contact.

“No, I don't! I gotta- I gotta go. Um, see you-”

Connor sighed and put a hand on Evan’s shoulder. He noticed he tensed up, yet he didn't move his hand.

“I see you walk home every day. Come on, I'm giving you a ride whether you want me to or not,” Connor told him, directing him to his car in the back of the parking lot.

“Uh, thanks…” Evan muttered, playing with the hem of his shirt.

They got into Connor’s car and Evan stared at the dashboard, bouncing his leg up and down to distract himself from the overwhelming about of nervousness that was swarming all over his body.

“Yeah, no problem. Evan, is it? Where do you live?” Evan looked up and provided quiet directions to Connor, trying to calm himself down. “I- shit. Didn't introduce myself. 'M Connor.”

“Oh, I know,” Evan said, automatic. His face flared into a bright pink. “Well, I mean, I don’t, like, stalk you or anything. I just- my friend Jared- I mean he's not my friend- he's a family friend and he's-” He cut himself off; Connor bit his lip and rolled his eyes.

“Oh, Kleinman? He’s a dick, why do you even talk to him?”

“He’s a lot better than he seems, he’s just deeply insecure.” God dammit, Evan. “I mean-”

“Jesus, calm down.” He pulled up in Evan’s driveway and parked the car. “Alright, see you tomorrow, Evan,” Connor said, watching as the other boy thanked him quietly and scrambled out of the car. Connor sighed and waited until he was inside before he backed out and made his way home, as much as he didn't want to.

He turned his music up and began humming the tune, trying to keep his mind away from Evan. Maybe this was it- maybe Evan was going to be his first actual friend. _Evan Hansen, my last fucking hope._


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey uh I'm really glad this is doing fairly well!!  
> I'm not sure how my upload schedule is going to work but I'm working on the next chapter right now and I'll get that edited and uploaded whenever I can!  
> @corinnecassiopeia thank u for being my beta!!

It's two AM, and Connor can't sleep. Two AM, and the monotonous ticking of the clock in the hallway is keeping him awake. Two AM, and Connor sits up, glancing all around the dark room, sighing deeply. Through the darkness, he noticed his hands starting to shake. Everything's quiet, and he'd swear he could hear the faucet in his bathroom drip slowly. _Drip_. _Drip_. _Drip_. It was enough to drive him crazy.

Why he was still awake and couldn’t force himself into slumber wasn't anything he knew. Across the hall, he heard his dad snore. The noises all around the house made Connor anxious. He tried to distract himself by popping in headphones and blasting his music, but it felt like each noise was louder. They made his way into his skin, swarming around his head like a beehive. He sat at the edge of his bed, skin beginning to itch uncontrollably. Distract yourself, he thought, staving off overstimulation. He laid back down, forcing his eyes shut and waited for himself to fall asleep.

(...)

The alarm instantly pulled Connor out of his light sleep. He groaned and hid his face with his cold hands.

Connor decided he wasn't going to school today, and no one was going to force him to.

“Connor! Get up!”

Every ounce of him wanted to yell back at his mother but instead he flipped over, covering his head with a pillow. Harsh knocking at the door again told Connor to get up again, and he (against his will) got out of bed (fitfully!).

Staring at the pipe resting on his shelf, he contemplated lighting up and going through most of the school day high. He usually did go to school high but as he slipped on his hoodie, decided against it and trudged downstairs.

He didn’t want to eat breakfast. For once, he just wanted to be in school, not around his parents and sister. He was grateful he didn’t have any classes with Zoe or he probably would have killed her by now. Instead of sitting down with his parents, he slipped his bag over his head, yanked his keys from the hook, and left the house without a word.

Pulling out of the driveway, his hands gripped the wheel as tightly as they could, letting his knuckles turning white. The drive to school felt empty.

He pulled into the parking lot and slammed into his usual parking spot. As he made his way into the school, there he was able to notice Evan, this time in the most-annoying-fucking khakis. He loudly cleared his throat instead of speaking first, to avoid scaring him. Evan looked over to Connor and he offered a shy, shaky smile.

“Oh, hi Connor,” He mumbled, casting his eyes down. He felt his shaky hands reach for the hem of his shirt to fidget with it.

Connor winced to himself but he shook away any feelings of doubt and forced himself to give a crooked grin back.

“Uh, I’m surprised you’re here today? I would have thought you’d skip…” Pause. “Oh-I mean- I didn’t-”

“Calm down, Hansen. It’s fine, I didn’t wanna come today but I guess my body kinda forced me to,” He replied, shrugging his shoulders.

“I-I know how that feels.” Evan cracked a smile and for once, looked up to Connor. He noticed Connor was about four inches taller than him and was clearly lankier than him as well. Connor was able to see Evan’s deep brown eyes for once. It made his heart stutter a bit as he stared- _Connor, you are not fucking gay. Stop it._

“Yeah. Hey, do we have any classes together? I barely pay attention enough to notice who’s all in any of my classes.” Connor says partly distract himself from his previous thoughts, and also maybe he’d be able to pay attention for once with Evan in a class with him.

“Oh! I-I noticed you’re in my English class? And-and my Biology class too. You actually- you actually uh, sit in front of me in Biology,” Evan told him after a short pause.

Connor nodded, thinking hard about his English and Biology class. Hm, that's right. Wasn't he the kid who had to do a presentation about gene regulations, or something like that, and he ended up running out of the room? Oh, of course that was him. He took himself out of his thoughts and for once, he gave him a smile that wasn't forced.

The first bell rang and told Evan and Connor to start to head to class, so they did. Connor realized Evan sat across the entire room from him and due to him, he promised himself he’d try to make himself better. He ended up paying attention for the first time and surprisingly understood whatever the teacher was rambling on about. Class flew by quickly and so did the rest of the day. His last class was Biology with Evan again. He didn’t bother paying attention in this class, instead letting his mind slip to the boy behind him. His open notebook filled with nonsense doodles instead and he had a soft smile on his face. This teacher did the usual: ramble on and on about a subject that Connor couldn’t care less about but thank God he was able to drown his talking out. (And thank God he didn’t have to talk to Asshole Jared all day.)

The final bell ringing after what felt hours stuck in that classroom, but as he stood up, he turned around and followed Evan out. “You’re gonna let me give you a ride again, right?” He asked, putting a hand on Evan’s shoulder again, ignoring his slight jump.

He nodded and smiled, walking right beside Connor and doing something he didn’t think he’d be able to do- make conversation. The car ride over to Evan’s place wasn’t silent like the first one and Connor felt better that he was able to coerce Evan to not be so nervous. He found himself finally being comfortable around someone and they were able to relate to each other more than they thought before. Once Connor pulled up into Evan’s driveway, Evan didn’t get out. Instead, he decided to ask, “Can we, can we go on a drive? I don’t wanna be home right now and I-I thought it’d help me destress… I can, I can pay for gas money, I swear! But only if-if you wanna go!”

Connor nodded and without a word, he backed up and began to drive to somewhere he thought Evan would enjoy. They continued to make significantly less stilted conversation as Connor drove. Evan made no question to where they were going and instead took in the sights of nature all around.

Once Connor arrived, Evan couldn’t help but let excitement take over. “The orchard?! But it’s closed!”

“Of course it is,” Connor muttered, parking the car and getting out, scrambling up to climb over the fence, jumping down to the other side. “Come on over, no one’s watching!”

Evan glanced up the fence, hesitating before slowly crawling his way up. As he sat uncomfortably at the top, he bit his lip and took a few seconds before jumping down and landing on the ground next to Connor. “Are-are you sure this is okay? I-I-I don’t wanna get in trouble for this...:” Evan felt his hands getting hot and sweaty and his breath hitched as he thought about the possible consequences of getting caught.

“Nah, we’ll be fine. I’ve done this a fuckton of times, chill. Now, come on. I heard you’re into in trees.” Connor said, leading the way to the tallest tree towards the center of the orchard. Evan followed him, able to calm his breathing down.

"We're gonna climb it," said Connor, already starting up the trunk, looking down every few seconds to check if Evan was keeping up alright.

Once he decided he was high enough, he scrambled to a thick branch and sat himself down, pulling Evan up to sit next to him, little space between them. Connor noticed Evan was at ease here, more relaxed, staring out at the landscape.

Both of them were silent, letting the quiet sounds of nature fill the void instead of their talking. Time seemed to stop and it wasn’t until the sun began to set when Evan pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time, eyes widening as he dashed to get down from the height of the tree. Connor didn’t question it, instead crawling down as well and waiting until the two were on their way to Evan’s to ask what the rush was.

“Oh, I, uh, missed a bunch of calls from-from my mom. I guess she’s done with classes for tonight? I-I thought she’d be out later than usual and now she’s freaking out that I’m not, not home,” he explained, face flushing.

Connor raised an eyebrow in lieu of an answer, but sped up to get Evan home quicker. It only took a few minutes to pull up in his driveway again, before saying, "See you Hansen. T'morrow.”

Evan nodded, turned to go inside, but paused and ran back to Connor’s car. “Here, I have gas money! Just for the-the ride to the orchard, plus taking me home! You didn't have to do that- thanks! Sorry,” he dug through his backpack and pulled out a twenty, holding it out.

“Shit, Evan, keep it. I don’t- fuckin'- I don't need your gas money.” He pushed away the bill and watched as Evan nodded and shoved it back in his wallet, waving goodbye to him and headed inside. When Connor left, he was once again thinking about Evan for the remainder of the night.


	3. AUTHORS NOTE!!

Hey! I'm so sorry if you've been anticipating my next upload. I would have had it up by now if my beta, Corinne, wasn't grounded. I don't blame her for it, but I don't trust myself to post a new chapter without her checking it first. I've also been busy with homework and haven't been able to finish chapter 3, but I've been working on 4 and 5 until I get more inspiration. Thank you for understanding!

-Michael


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor deals with staying up late and bad feelings
> 
> TW WARNING!!! SELF HARM!!!  
> PLS TAKE CAUTION!!!
> 
> also this chapter isn't beta'd bc she's still fucking grounded and I don't trust myself with this chapter but it's okay I've given myself a long enough break  
> also this chapter ends super weird and suddenly I'm so sorry this is awful

_         It’s a fucking rule now, huh? I can’t just sleep through the entire night without fucking waking up. _ Two a.m. again and Connor’s thoughts shook him out of his light sleep. He grumbled to himself and sat up. He knew exactly who his thoughts were about- Evan. Fucking. Hansen. Over and over in his head, he pleaded for a distraction, to get the boy off his mind. Was their time in the orchard a date? His mind travelled at least a million miles a minute as he debated with himself whether it was or not. He couldn’t seem to pick a side, but the loudest voice in his head screamed at him that in no circumstance, he was not fucking gay.. He was not on a date with Evan Hansen- and he won’t ever go on a date with him. It was too much to battle with each voice and before he knew it, his long nails found their way into his forearm. He dug them in deeper and clawed down slowly, watching as tiny beads of crimson rose from the marks. His breathing grew heavy, but he stared at his arm with satisfaction. He considered digging one of his old blades hidden with his pot, and the drawer that they resided in seemed to call his name, getting louder every second.

      Connor didn’t  _ want _ to give in- it was just that he couldn’t stop himself from giving in. Shallow, bleeding wounds aligned his forearm. He took out any anger that was building up inside of him out on himself until he was completely satisfied with the results. He sighed, wiping the tears that had formed under his dark eyes away and slipped out of bed, sneaking off into the bathroom next to his own room to clean his arm. His arm stung while the faucet ran over it and it caused him to recoil, gripping it tightly. He cursed out loud at the pain and hissed, shutting the faucet off and stalking back to his room, angered at the pain, angered at what he did, and angered at the world.

       He didn’t bother trying to get back to sleep- instead stayed up buried in his own thoughts. He wasn’t foreign to this feeling, in fact, he was more than used to it.  Curled up on his bed, he glanced over to the shelf with his pipe resting on it. This time, he got up without hesitation and lit it up as soon as he could, taking a few hits from it and blowing it out of his open window. The strong scent of marijuana filled his room and he begged to no one in particular that it would go away by the time his parents woke up.  _ Thank God for pot _ , he thought to himself. He was able to numb himself from the overwhelming emotions blowing up in his mind. He rubbed his watering eyes and laid back down. The pipe was already unlit and he had smoked as much as he wanted, already high out of his mind, but at least he was calm.

       Once he was stoned, time flew by quicker than he thought. The sun poked through his blinds and filled the room with its’ light causing Connor to begin to think of ways to get out of going to school. His high had worn down and left him in a bit of a daze. He checked the time- 5:56 AM. His arm throbbed and as a response, he scratched at it, wincing as his nails scraped the newer wounds. At this point, Connor wasn’t even tired- not that he was two hours ago- due to the adrenaline and stress fueling him. He wanted to think he wasn’t stressed out anymore, that the weed plus hurting himself took all of that away. For a short amount of time, it did, until the weed wore off and his arm began to ache and it seemed like any movement would cause it to sting. Every shot of pain caused him to hiss and clench his arm to try to relieve it. He heard the clock tick from outside his door and his teeth dug into his pale lips. Only a few more minutes would his parents be up and might possibly catch him. By now, he wasn’t able to sleep at all. There was no use. The clock again, it ticked loudly and Connor felt as if each tick was digging farther and farther into his skin. 


	7. Not a chapter

Hi uh,

You're probably wondering why I haven't kept up with this series in a while.

Short answer, I'm not a fan of it anymore.

It got boring to write, and I'm just not enthusiastic about it anymore.

I'm writing a new fic, with the same title, but drastically different. That one may be posted in place of this one.

So sorry to disappoint anyone, but I don't wanna continue writing something I hate.

Look forward to my other fics?

I've got plenty of kleinphy fics on the way, and I'm working on the replacement for this one. 

Thanks for understanding!

-Matt


End file.
